The saying “opposites attract” could not be more accurate when it comes to alcoholics’ and addicts’ relationships. By and large, addicts are narcissists. Addiction is all about getting what they want when they want it, the way they want it. They rarely think of how their actions or behavior affect other people, let alone those closest to them. So, when they are romantically involved with someone else, what kind of person are they going to be attracted to? Someone who is codependent.

What It Means to Be Codependent

What does it mean to be codependent? The dictionary definition of codependency is:

a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)

Codependents & Addicts

Codependency can affect anyone, including people whose partners have never touched a drink or a drug. However, the concept grew out of Alcoholics Anonymous and the recovery community, so it’s often associated with addiction. Many addicts choose to be in these relationships because “weak” partners allow them to get away with lying, stealing, cheating, and inflicting emotional or even physical pain.

Codependent Patterns

Codependency is not a normal part of any healthy relationship. Some things that set codependent relationships apart are:

Denial - Codependents are often unwilling or unable to see their relationships for what they are.
Excessive care & sacrifice - Any loving relationship involves some level of self-sacrifice, but they are excessive when the care becomes obsessive or self-destructive.
Excessive compliance - It’s perfectly normal for loving couples to argue occasionally, but it’s not normal when one side always agrees with the other.
Low self-esteem - It’s a cliche, but it’s true: You can’t love someone unless you love yourself. Codependents usually seek self-worth in their relationships because they feel worthless on their own.
Reversed priorities - It’s also true that you can’t take care of someone unless your own need are met, but codependents try to satisfy the needs of other before themselves.

Are You Codependent?

If you are a codependent husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend, you must realize that you will never be healthy or happy until you break the cycle. Even though you feel sincere love for the addict in your life, you help neither them nor yourself when you enable them and let them walk all over you. There is help: there are therapists who specialize in codependency and there are support groups you can turn to, such as Al-Anon and Codependency Anonymous. Just like there are dozens of addiction services that can help your partner recover, there are dozens of resources for you. They will empower you and teach you how to love yourself rather than depend on the love of someone else.